Recipies for the Blisteringly Hungry Gentleman

Have you ever been so hungry you could literally beat your mother for hours with a homeless gent until she has detached retinas? I know we have (see the case of “The State of Wyoming vs. Snooty Richer-Than-Us Gents” or whatever it was called). With the complete lack of fine dining facilities in this society, it would seem I am encouraged, nay, forced, to lap up my diamond-infused breakfast porridge off the roof of your car. This begs the question: why can’t I lap my food off the roofs of finer cars, or for that matter inside a building?

Swan Pie

Preparation Time: Much quicker than your prole mothers could have done it.

Ingredients:

One swan (make sure it’s whole, we need all the parts)
A club (Diamonds? Yes.)
Top Hat
Access to Wendy’s
Fistful O’ Cash
Taser (for shockin’ cops.)
Blueberry Pie

Firstly, right your top hat upon your beautiful head. Looking classy!

Next, burgle the crap out of the local pond what where swans are. If your town has not a local pond, or the local pond is also used as the local sewage pit, find yourself a fine glass of bourbon and call it a night (note the location of this sewage pit in your mapbook, as it will be useful in the disposal of bodies!) Your club can be used to capture the swans, if your girly fingers are not man enough to wrestle them into delicious submission.

At this point, it may be necessary to shock cops. Do so at your leisure.

Ignoring the mournful sounds of the swan’s tiny, barely-edible young, make your way to Wendy’s, purveyor of the rectangle beef thing! Once arriving, brandish your dollars and gain control of the cooker. Be careful with the cooker, it is extremely hot and therefore probably contains the charred ruins of plebians, which you are not allowed to touch.

Once you have mastered the controls — which usually consists of “On” and “Off” — empty your blueberry pie with a fork. Pick up your swan by it’s long neck, making sure it is STILL unconscious, and place it upon the mutilated confection. Drop it into the cookatron, being sure everyone in the store can hear your devilish laugh. While it cooks, you can shock some common folk, who will run away and attempt to punch you to your delight.

At this point, it may be necessary to shock cops. Do so at your leisure.

Ding! It’s done probably! Assuming your Swan Pie takes as long to cook as a burger, it will be done and ready for you to devour. Pluck the feathers if you wish, but leaving them in gives a certain texture of elegance that only insane laziness can provide. Push aside the convulsing bodies of the Wendy’s staff and return to your abode. Feast.

Where’d the swan go? Why, it’s in your bowels, silly!

Toddler Pie

See above, but replace every instance of “swan” with “toddler”. Be sure to keep your taser at full charge.

And to go along with your deliciously illiegal pie:

The Upstanding Citizen: The World’s Rarest, Fanciest Drink.

Ingredients:
1/2 cup Roddenberries
350mL Rubbing Alcohol
The Ambrosia
1 bar Ether
1 Kg The Essence of Funk (check eBay, there’s always some there)
1 cup Sweet, Succulent Dodo Blood
Top Hat
Martini Glass
Monocle (not optional)

Firstly, erect your top hat upon your shining, glorious locks of golden hair. Looking classy!

Then, take all ingredients and throw them into a black hole. This will ensure proper mixing. Stand to the other side of the black hole, presumably in your cellar or wine closet, and prepare your strong manly arms for the monumental force of The Upstanding Citizen being hurled gently into your martini glass from the bowels of this physics-defying inferno of gravitational death (I named mine Egmund).

For maximum efficiency and elegance, invite John Petrucci of Dream Theater to dine with you and your full bodied Upstanding Citizen. Drink up, beautiful!

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