It’s For the Better: Making a “Prole-Trap”

Hup-to, gentlemen and gentlemen! This fine evening, as you cradle a fine glass of bourbon in your elegant-yet-manly fingers, I would suggest you take note of this miniature guide. Studies show that it will help you enjoy your “maxin’ and relaxin’s” no less than 1.25% more than previous!

I think I speak for every decent gent when I say that the only thing that could possibly ruin your evening as you stroll into your highrise mansion, on the moon, is the squallid, infant-producing Proletariat. We all have experienced the misfortune of having to breathe air that they have touched with their callused, cheeto stained torsos; we’ve all been there. But no longer, what with The Prole Trap! The days where it is necessary to guard your cooling windowsill pies with trained bees are over!

Step 1: Finding a Suitable Location

Unfortunately, the “law” prevents us gentleman from carrying out random acts of violence aginst those of lower class, no matter how righteous or awesome our goals are. Therefore we cannot merely slather our garbage with poison and let the problem solve itself. This trap must be hidden from all vestiges of the “man”, and this means subterfugery will be needed. No no, away with your muskets and truncheons, we’re going a different route.

Using your plane or zeppelin, observe the common routes of the proles below. Make note of the major passages they use to reach your abode, as well as any closeby alleyways. Their importance will become apparant later. Upon returning to Terra Firma, give the results to your computer, who will devour the information and compute the location what will destroy the most families. Have a glass of fine chamapagne while this process completes.

Step 2: Construct the Trap

Firstly, go into your basement and retrieve the jaw of your favourite pet, the alligator.

Now, some may claim that this creature is not an alligator, but actually a Mythical Chinese Dragon, a thing that does not actually exist. Those people will soon know the error of their ways as they scream and writhe in the pain that your alligator-powered prole trap will swiftly deliver.

With the jaw in hand, make a visit to your local gourmet breakfast pastry chef, who you will be able to theive things from with little consequence. Once he is tasered into submission, apprehend his waffle iron. Lick off any remaining batter and it is ready for use! Attach them in whatever fashion you wish, it is practically childs work! In fact, I had children build mine!

The bait will consist of something that all of your targets are intrinsically programmed to seek out: cheese and a dollar. The warmth from the active waffle iron will also draw the less ‘drobed peasants to the device waiting to shuffle them off this mortal coil.

Step 3: Placing the Trap

Firstly, disguise yourself in your least-finest clothes so that you may traverse their lands without having to deal out piles o’ pain. Remove your top hat and afix your face with scabs and welts, making sure to cover yourself in soot. Leave that monocle at home; you need to be completely devoted to this cause.

Properly concealed, descend from your helicopter to the pre-determined location. Place the trap in an easily accessible area, away from other distractions, such as soup kitchens and unlocked dumpsters. If you’ve done it right, you should have your first prole within the hour, screaming and wallowing in the fact that he was fooled by your devious design.

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